This page is dedicated to those members of the club (and others) whose words of wisdom (or lunacy) bear repeating. Campbell does more than his fair share for the club, especially in the quotes department, but remember that contributions are accepted from all members. Please report anything you hear to me. The only criteria are that they should be printable without fear of litigation and entertaining for ther members. If the perpetrator suffers embarrassment then that is a bonus!
To submit a quote please use the following form.
"I think I am going to have some problems with my feet today"
Helen Lord, Ladies 2s, after stepping on the ball for the 47th time during a warm up. Really?
"I am never drinking with Sarah Dale again. She makes Fi look like a nun"
Graham Cartmell, 2009 Dinner Dance, whilst trying to keep pace with Sarah Dale.
"From playing as a youngster on a windswept pitch in Cheltenham to the Olympics in Beijing, hockey has always been an adventure."
Ben Marsden, England & GB Defender
[JM] "You won't need your stab vest"
[BT] "dunno bs1 is quite rough,"
[BT] "i got boys in bs3 so its cool"
Ben Troughton talking to Jonathan Moore about the location of Bristol and West's pitch.
"I am Theo Walcott"
Sophie Jowett congratulating herself, on her hat trick against Colwall.
"Take her out!"
Commanded Gayle Ashby during the local derby against Lansdown, forgetting to add "wide" to the end of her order, causing her team mates to wonder if violence was really what she was expecting.
"My goals are rarer than rocking horse poo."
A Rachel Chicken discussing her goal scoring record.
"...don't worry Chicken, I'm all over it like a tramp on a ham sandwich."
Jonathan Moore rising to the ever-increasing demands for website updates
"Can you flick my thingy for me?"
A frustrated Rachel Chicken asking Fiona Maffey to help her push her wing mirror out!
"I can't believe you think I'm a chav"
Said an incredulous Corrie Farrell
"I think I can carry this look off"
Nat Lewis, having been nominated "numpty of the day" for paying her match fees in 100 5ps, was sporting a red Indian head dress and a fishing hat
""I promise you I won't be as poor as I was last time"
Umpire to ladies 1st team captain, before the start of the match.
"My eyeballs are all over the place. I can't see the ball!"
Part of the running commentary that said umpire gave throughout the match, at school-girl high pitch, as he slowly but surely lost control of the game.
"I'd take Chicken over Cock anyday!"
Don Cock and Rachel Chicken comparing surnames.
"Nothing gives me more pleasure than upending a grown man on the pitch."
C Purnell at the Gloucester City tournament.
"We lost 4-3. That was their fourth goal just then." Unless they scored their goals out of order I guess it had to be.
Pete Hay at the North Wilts tournament.
"We have subs. Just now, I was tired, Tom called, I came."
A breathless Jo Hammonds describing the pleasure that can be had from playing for the Mens 2nds
"I feel as if I have the legs of an eighty year old amputee."
Michael Cullimore, following two games in one day
"I need new glasses. I can't see a thing with my old ones. I just keep them in the car and use them for driving."
"I used to play for Dumbleton 6ths. I'm looking for a lower standard of hockey."
Player new to club
"I haven't see my car for four days. I can't remember where I left it."
"If you can't strike it into the corners...strike it at the defenders that are on the posts!"
Padders watching ladies' 1sts
"Is it me or is anyone else struggling to work out if that umpire is male or female?!"
"Leave my balls alone, Harriet!"
John Hooper, trying to protect his assets at training
"Will we be home or away?"
Tris Sutton-Jennings, knowing he would be playing in the Castlers v 3As match:
"Last time we played Ross it was really close but they beat us with a goal in the 90th minute."
"Why don't we play 3-5-3?"
"Is this National League?"
Tom Sivil, watching the Ladies' 3rds demolish their opposition
"The shirt numbers have arrived but they didn't send any sevens."
Jerry, in his role as kit officer
"I would like to play for a club that just has a 2nd team."
Joe (former 3As player, explaining that he doesn't want to take his hockey too seriously):
"Do you go to the pub after EVERY game?"
Former junior player being introduced to senior hockey
"Hay looks as if he has been fingered already."
Campbell Jamieson. Who said AGMs were boring?
"I see you've given up scoring for Lent."
Godfrey to Dominic.
"GET IT STRONG! GET IT STRONG! Oh, good goal."
"How do you spell ninety?"
Matt Gardener trying to write out a cheque for his subs.
"Get your hands off him - he's only ten."
Pete Pritchard going to the aid of Tom Godding when a Neath player grasps him by the throat.
"Don't give me any anesthetic - it might make me late for the game."
Sam Ridler to his dentist. Sam, the 3As goalkeeper, has what it takes.
"I am on the Bristol ring road..."
Ross Polgrean on his way back to Cheltenham from the planet Cardiff
"How long to go?"
Michael Cullimore just after the half time whistle sounded
"I don't like that yellow kit that Fyffes Leicester team are wearing. They look like a bunch of bananas!"
Mandy Fereby failing to understand the concept of sponsorship
"How far is Sheffield from Yorkshire?"
Julie Stowe, just after passing the "You are entering South Yorkshire" sign
"I was going to watch Shattered but I fell asleep."
Sweet dreams, Sophie Whittaker
"I've had that 24 hour flu since Thursday."
Pete Hay grumbling on a Saturday
"Did you see China tackle Lordy?"
No, Pete Hay, but then I'm not drinking what you're drinking
"Chavs! What a bunch of losers. Oh, that's my brother."
"That doesn't count as an own goal. It came off the back of my stick."
"Can I wash the shirts?"
Andy Hopcraft half an hour before push back
"Is Bath in Bathshire?"
"It is different playing with men; they don't think"
Becca Demczek following a mixed game
"I don't usually miss from inside the D"
Tim Morris, Cheltenham 3rds
"We left Bath with ten and managed to pick up another one on the way but lost two in Cheltenham"
Bath Buccs captain explaining why they were starting with nine men
"Are Cannock the strongest team in Wales?"
Michael Cullimore following geography lessons from Simone?
"Where do Scottish ten pound notes come from?"
Jeremy Tranter, bidding to become club treasurer?
"Is there a Wednesdays game this Thursday?"
Campbell Jamieson, Club Captain
"So where is Luxemburg the capital of?"
Simone on quiz night, specialist subject: geography
"I want you to mark number nine - I think that is his name."
Sammy Cooper, Captain, Cheltenham Under 18s
"He performed brilliantly in goal, apart from the six he let in."
Campbell Jamieson, Club Captain
"I've eaten all the nice ones"
Robert Cullimore (hogging the after match chocolates at the Club Day)
"I'm eating a lot because it's free"
Robert Cullimore (hogging the after match mince pies at the Club Day)
"Why do we call Jon Sainsbury Tesco?"
"If we play like that every week we will win."
Mike Gibson's post match analysis following defeat by Gloucester
"I can't see without my glasses."
Di (asked to sign the score card for a game she has just umpired)
"Don't get me sent off. I can do that myself."
January Vibart (after umpire threatens to card her for comments from spectators)
"Does anyone mind if I run one at short corners?"
"It doesn't matter what time you play at Yate it is always 5 o'clock"
Campbell Jamieson (again!)
"The seconds won one all"
Mandy, goalkeeper (of course!)
"Both mens and ladies matches started at the same time, except one was half an hour later than the other"
"A good centre forward has to have an evil streak, and he is a very good centre forward."
"Sort it out amongst yourselves"
Pete Marsden umpiring a Club Social match
"The thing I hate about hockey is footballers."
Jo Cunningham after coaching on half a pitch next to footballers with a limited vocabulary
"If it is raining can you umpire for the 3rds?"
Sam Cooper, 3rd XI Captain
"I am going to worry their keeper like a Welshman worries sheep."
Campbell Jamieson, Club Captain
"How long is a hockey match?"
Sam Cooper,hen Captain of Cheltenham 3rds
"Are you driving today Geoff?"
"Do the bears cr*p in the woods?"
"If I was going to Bath I'd have gone that way."
"So would I. Oh **** we are going to Bath aren't we?"
"It's simple, lads, although it is difficult."
"They were just a bunch of old men."
John Cullimore following a 6-0 beating